Today in LA

Thursday January 25 at 10:36PM and I am thinking:

I had a moment today when I was walking to Target to get this scar creme for this mark on my face that has been SUPER bothering me, I was feeling scattered and ugly and behind and …this moment hit me where I thought, “What if I don’t make it. What if nothing happens and I just live, get old and die.” And I stopped walking and just stood there.

There was wind and I felt cold and my hair was wet, I had a hat on covering this scar, I touched the mark, I looked up at the target in front of me, I felt a rush go down my legs and it was like I saw my whole life, my whole non-extraordinary life just flash. What if I just putter along and don’t breakthrough into my version of MY dream life. MY vision of what I want to be. MY future, the one in my head, that….thing. What if I just think it, think the whole My Life thing but it doesn’t really happen and then I’m 87 in a condo in Virginia talking to my granddaughter who I never see wishing I had done more with my life, begging for it to have turned out differently.

I took a step forward. I went to Target, I found my scar cream, I bought a ton of microwave dinners and frozen fruit and yogurt things and then I walked home. I felt the weight of my walk, I felt every part of what I was feeling deep down in my souls. Feet and other. If I can keep feeling that next step, I think the last one won’t be a regret. 

 

christine hauer